sUrfAcES…

Send me back… could you?

Where I can get my life to no worries at all…

Where I can get my hype and raise… what is so sweet at all…

Lead me back oh please…

And take me to thy peace…

Where I can play and hey… in the middle of the rain…

Where I can shout my name until I run out of breath…

Lead me back oh please,

To childhood that ceased…

So there will be less pain… pain that can’t I bear…

Lead me back oh please,

No don’t let me shed more tears…

I can’t smile upon these shits…

I have to call my piece…to take least…

I was wrong oh so wrong…

With the time I wish to grow,

Leaving the idea that it will be long…

To find some light inside my home…

Lead me back to childhood dear…

Where I play the guitar and strum all strings…

Where people find music with my singing,

Where there’s an applaud even the tune aint hitting…

Lead me back to where I’m safe…

Where I call myself the princess of faith…

For my comfort is within that range…

Where a loving arms is never scared to wage…

I am a banking and finance graduate in a certain school in Manila. I was like studying for four years on banking and financing and never ever imagined myself in front of a high class computer doing a Greek language as "if;then;else" stuff.

My dreams were to walk in through a large bank lobby, pass a resume, look forward on an interview with the VP and sit as a trainee until I became a successful person in my chosen course. And as for the competition per se, banking industry is as tough as my college years…

Remembering the time of struggle for our defense, I was like thinking half a banker, half a financial analyst and thought that I will be good in my field and that I am going to be an asset someday.

Come graduation day. It was like looking forward two days ahead to reality. Like today is my graduation day, tomorrow will be my first day and to my dismay, it was not a banking corporation. My fate led me to a certain distribution company, I was like degraded for a reason that I thought I was one of the best in the course I have back in my college days and there I am doing some kind of a clerical work with only a contractual employment. I do not even waged the salary that is proper for me… but I learned loving my work. I learned coping and liking it until I did not realize I was at the end of the contract. I cried because I’ll leave the work I come to love… I’ll leave the people I come to respect though in my thoughts before, I was someone up to their intelligence.

I know I cant lose a job for even a year… not even a month, so after the so called end of contract to that distribution company, my fate led me to another world. I was like walking inside an oh-so-famous IT company without me knowing what I am doing there. Then I stand for what I have entered upon. I must learn the game… more so, master the mischief and play with the ladder wisely…

The insults for a no-brainer personnel became a respect, the Greek language in the bundle of white paper became English, the blurred recognition on my career became a turner and here I am now aiming for a higher promotion.

But so they say, to aim high is to work harder than the usual. It has been 16 to 20 hours a week of work to achieve the best performance rating I have… well, it’s still a "B" may I say… in spite of the long hours of work and hard times of speaking foreign language to be able to express oneself. It’s still "B" may I say in spite of forgetting I have a family and friends to attend to… it’s still a "B" in spite of losing the faith I have for rest and enjoy the luxury of air-conditioned room with a powered laptop in front of me…

Maybe, just maybe… I am not sounding bitter for the "B’s" since there are people far more better than I do… there are more people who do the same and even better than what I deliver…

Maybe, just maybe… I tend to love the color gray (the color of my laptop) and was able to enjoy the maple color of my laptop’s desktop theme…  I tend to be so sweet with the mouse I have to hold hands to… and be patient with the people that keeps on knocking, staying away, returning, signing in, signing off in my AOL. Maybe, just maybe, it’s not that I am getting used to it because I am doing a hard core job everyday and live up with the pressure of problem tickets and all that kind… maybe, just maybe, I come to love sometimes the thing I do everyday that actually completes my being…

At least this issues never fails to make me realize I am still on for a critical thinking after all… at least I know I can still beat the battle of ignorance to new ideas and conquer the world of what I found before as scary field.

Maybe, just maybe, this is the thing I love sometimes… the thing I called work.

Bad Day

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion’s gone away
And I don’t need no carryin’ on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You’re faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life’s been way off line
You’re falling to pieces every time
And I don’t need no carryin’ on

Because you had a bad day
You’re taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don’t know
You tell me don’t lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don’t lie
You’re coming back down and you really don’t mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don’t need no carryin’ on

You had a bad day
You’re taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don’t know
You tell me don’t lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don’t lie
You’re coming back down and you really don’t mind
You had a bad day(Oooh.. a holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I’m not wrong(yeah…)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You’re taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don’t know
You tell me don’t lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You’ve seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

gone were the days of youthful gimiks and chitchats till tomorrow comes… yes… am getting old… all i wanted now is to get a table in one of the coffee shops around and talk…

yet, it seems that there’s not much changes outside… maybe the perspective and the ‘what’s-on-top-of-my-list’ became clearer, better and smaller inside… facing the fact that i am about to face a new consequence in my life, i have come to realize that there are lot more important than the priorities i set through time… maybe it’s because again… am getting older and maybe… kinda wiser to stick with the traditional woo’s of life…

criticism had always been my best enemy quote-en-quote in my whole life… i am not a very good at listening and constructing criticism to make me a better person… whenever i heard something as close as criticizing me… i got the awful feeling that that is not true and that person must pay for it… (for judging me the wrong way which is now i realize aint through at all).

i am doomed one morning to face the fact that hey… grow up… this is your time to make an impression and start a life re-construction…

so now, that i admit that am getting older… i would like to say thank you to all the people who’s been around criticizing me without hesitations and proving me that they’re up for my betterment… now on the top of my priorities would be God… then He will be followed soon by what His blessings would be… and of course, His will…

for my family who’s always been supportive to me… for all the misfortunes i’ve been and still embracing me… thank you… and i promise i will return the favor to you… and i love you… and i am glad to be a part of the family… it’s been 23 years… and i know you wont ever get tired loving me… and understanding me…

for my baby, thanks for sticking with me all these years… and now that we’re a little level up, i know that we’ll be much better… whatever it is… a long term engagement or a little more short notice, for our friends won’t make a difference… they’ll be happy for us… and yes… i’m looking forward of spending my life with you…

for the good friends that i am with right now, thank you… because without you around, i wouldn’t know that friendship needs no effort at all… it’s simply connecting our lives with no committing each other… no responsibilities whatsoever… thanks for being proud of me as i am proud of you as well… and know too that i am looking up to your sincerity and love as a friend…

now that i am trying to reconstruct my life… and trying to say goodbye with my old habits… i think, there’s no more room for self pity why? i am so blessed with a lot of things these days… and am i happy? of course I am… i never been happy like this before…

am getting older… and am glad i am…

am actually browsing with my personal documents when I saw this folder… it was labeled as "IV-1 Quizzes"… out of my curiousity i opened the yellowish folder and smiled when I saw familiar names listed in it… indeed, the’re the names of my former high school classmates… just so you know… you know… here’s the complete list… i hope my other friends back from my high school days would share the same sentiments I felt upon reading the names below…

flashback…

Boys:

1. Aquino, Joemar

2. Banaag, Jenson

3. Budlayan, Arvin

4. Capucao, Loreto

5. Catalig, Ellery

6. Cruz, Bolter

7. Dagodog, Joel

8. Dalindin, Lolito

9. De Guzman, Roque

10. Diaz, Virgilio

11. Fortuno, Fredo

12. Gonzales, Galiver

13. Martin, Clark Joseph

14. Moya, Gerald

15. Nunez, Jonathan

16. Orosco, Arnie

17. Pagobo, Erick Aaron

18. Raro, Marianito

19. Ruyana, Alvin

20. Salas, Aguinaldo

21. Suarez, Eddel Bryan

22. Sumpio, Ronald

23. Discipulo, Mervene (added)

Girls:

1. Balitaon, Hazel

2. Bangcoro, Sharon

3. Barrameda, Marivic

4. Billante, Edilyn

5. Callanta, Donalee

6. Cruz, Norie-Lyn de la

7. Cunanan, Jenny Joy

8. Galvez, Mary-Ann

9. Go, Ma. Jenifer

10. Go, Nancy

11. Gonzales, Maria Arlene

12. Idang, Rosario

13. Jordan, Mary-Ann

14. Lagunzad, Aries

15. Maloloy-on, Debbie

16. Marcelo, Christine Joy

17. Marcelo, Esterlita

18. Marino, Yahmanah

19. Moncada, Melanie

20. Morante, Stephanie

21. Oreta, Jonalyn

22. Pagobo, Anna Grace

23. Panotes, Michelle

24. Quintero, Dyan

25. Ramores, Chyril

26. Rara, Joana Cristi

27. Santillan, Geralyn

28. Suaybaguio, Girlie

29. Zamora, Rosalinda

I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new.

Dami christmas gifts… napuno cubicle ko… now, it’s time to say thanks to all the pipol who made my christmas’ special…. hehehe… i will always treasure the gifts you gave… and also the friendship that comes along with it… thankful indeed… hay… let’s start the ball rolling to:

Ate Rem, for a nice "stripe pouch bag", where i can put all my techy stuffs like digicam, usb drive, cellphone and mp3 player… hehehe…. this is going to be my clean up pouch to my messy bag… thanks… thanks…..

so you know… i have this mp3 stuff that i really love so much… hehehe…. it’s nothing like an ipod but this mp3 player makes my life complete… (i love music!!! very much)… now that ate cathy gave me this green phone pouch… (and i have my phone cover already), might as well use it for my mp3… so it won’t get too annoyed along with the other stuffs inside my bag… thanks ate cathy….

omigosh… this hearty carebears is a knockout!!! hehehe… thanks ate kaye for a nice "cutie-orangey" stuff from you… i named her after your name…. i really love it… she’s so cool…. and she looks a lot like you…hahaha!!! specially when you’re in to something fishy…

  "spread your wings… and prepare to fly…" am i that butterfly ate cecille… yay!!! this is really nice… my team mate likes it too… this is something cool….  hmmmn….

something sweet from ate tin… fresh from ate tin’s place… it was cooked by her tita… and mind you… it was a superb "cassava sweets"… i wonder what would it taste if ate tin do it herself… hehehehe… tsalap…tsalap… ty…mwah…..

i am very much in to lots of "kikay stuffs"… and this two fancy bracelets made me smile the very first time i laid my eyes on them… it was like kuya carlo knows me well to give me such gift like this one… nice one kuya… thanks….

more kikay stuffs from my pareng alex… and the manner how he gave me these earrings makes me think the gift was something great… with his smiles deliberately saying…"i know you’re going to like this one" made my heart melt like… omigosh… i wish i gave him a lot more better gift than that of a bottle of alcohol drink with a "KALIBOG" label in it… wahehe…

my penshoppe girl aileen… she gave us her tag items… hehehe… and i am really grateful to her and her sweetums paul for being one of the nice people i come to bumped in, here in acc… thanks for the very delightful smelling gift… mwah for both of you…

a pinstriped shirt from my bossing tetay… hehehe… nice one and fits me well… think she gave us all the same shirt only, of course it was a different color for each of us… very generous indeed… thanks pow….

as a matter of fact, this is one of the earliest gift i receive this december… and i wanted to open it for once but i need to stop my urge to because i still want to have a display of gifts in my cubicle… hehehe…. i suceeded!!! thanks ms. ruby…

this pinkish and girlash deskstuff display from jinggay is a very cute one… anyway, it was a pig catched by a net… hmmmn…. the girls in the project has this one… we have a family of it… nice no?

i love coffee a lot… much as people in my team loves it too… so maybe that’s why, our project manager Ken came up with an idea of giving us such gifts like this coffee mug…  hehehe….

this id holder is one of the most useful and practical gift i received this christmas since i always forget to wear my badge everytime i walk in to the office…. hehehe…. you see, i’m tired hanging my id around my neck… so i rather put it in the pocket of my pants….

to those pipol who still don’t know where i work… you can see it here… all clear… thanks for my recent project that they gave us this jacket to heat us up… wooohooo…. i’ve been wanting to have one….

this cutie little pooh was given to me last december 22. Fresh from Disneyland,USA… dhel was so nice to have this hand carried so that he can give us something this christmas… by the way, dhel is my career counselor… who happens to love us all and managed to be our barkada… thanks dhel… amoy dollars pa yung pooh ko… i named her after yours….

this is a calendar journal from kuya marvs… maybe he wanted us not to forget our schedules and meetings the whole year round… harharhar…. it’s so cute that my buddy, anna had already inserted her to do’s in this calendar… more schedule’s to go… ho ho ho!!!!

i think im starting to fall in love with cecille… (she’s our OPS tech friend…) whew… she gave us something that i really do appreciate a lot because this is what i need in my interest… a writing pad and a pen… hehehehe…. my favorite color… "green" pen…

this is kuya cedrick’s christmas pahabol… cool ain’t it? a fancy notebook and a gift cert in starbucks coffee… a very christmas indeed…

hehehe… a dan brown controversial collection of spiritual faith… love and beliefs… hmmmn… i just want to read… but don’t worry guys… i am completely sane…

i am a harry potter fanatic… i love anything that comes with him… and anna (my buddy…) just gave me a perfect pillow this christmas… wahehe… look how cute harry is in his firebolt… ever seen a quidditch?

what i want to have this christmas? hmmmn… i told him a nice sosy bag… presto…. "will this G U E S S bag" does that wishing come true this christmas? oh well… more than enough… thanks kuya ryan!!! am so grateful…

all i wanted to do this christmas is to extend some help… but still, they gave me something to remind them that they’re existing and that they’re thankful to all the good thins they received… hay…

now… up to my last gift… from mah bebe… two pairs of fashionable earrings and a shopping spree at tiendesitas…. Look what I’ve got… thanks baby!!!! Mwah!!!

Bagama’t gulo ang diwa… hinayaan na lamang niya na maglakbay sa patag na kalye ang kanyang kamalayan… hanggang ang pata at pagal niyang katawan ay natanawan na ang pinatutunguhan… ano na ba ang nangyayari? Di niya rin alam…

Sa bawat paglingon, ay nakikita niya ang kapatagan… ramdam ang katahimikan… ang malamig na samyo nito habang humahampas sa kanyang balat…sa gawing kaliwa, sa kanyang paglingon ay may tumatangis… ramdam ang di matatawarang lungkot para sa isang mahal na namaalam…

Sementeryo… tahanan at himlayan ng mga pagal na katawan na hiniwalayan na ng kanilang kaluluwa… naroroon sya… kunot nuo man, sinaksihan niya ang seremonya ng pamamaalam… habang ang pagtangis ay unti-unti nang tinatanggap ng kaniyang puso, di na rin niya namamalayan na kahit ang sakit ay pumapasok  na rin sa kanyang kabuuan…

Sa isang pagpaling ng kanyang paningin, isang dalaga sa asul na kasuotan ang kanyang nahagip… tahimik na tumatangis… tahimik na nag-aalay ng panalangin… marahil sa kagaanan na rin ng loob, lumapit sya at lakas-loob na nakiramay sa pag-iisa ng dalaga…

Natapos na ang seremonya ng paghahatid sa huling hantungan…. Iniwan na hanggang sa kahulihulihang kamag-anak ng namaalam ang kanyang bagong himlayan… di man kailangan pa ng maraming salita, lumapit ang dalaga sa puntod na kanina lamang ay tanaw lamang niya… nakikita ko ang nakaukit sa puntod nito… ngunit sa di maipaliwanag na pangyayari, malabo… di abot ng aking kaalaman ang nakaukit na mga letra… di ko ito maaninag… di ko mabasa…

Hinayaan ko an lamang ang hiwaga… basta, nakiramay ako sa dalagang walang mukha… “sino siya” tanong ko… natigil siya sa kanyang pagtangis… at duon, unti-unti syang bumalik sa ala-ala ng kahapon…

“isang kaibigan… isang minamahal…” umpisa niya na para bang nasa harap lamang niya ang pinag-uusapan… “sa madalas, ibinibigay niya sa akin ang lahat ng aking pangangailangan… siya ang aking sandalan… isang mahigpit na kamay na lagging nakahawak sa aking kawalan… “ at dahan-dahan na namang umaagos ang kanyang luha… “siya ang nagturo sa akin ng tama at mali… ng masaya… ng pagmamahal sa sarili….” Patuloy niya… “ siya ang nagbigay sa akin ng kamulatan sa pag-ibig… siya ang nagturo sa akin ng pagtitiis… sa kanya, nalaman ko na di lahat ng pagmamahal ay may karampatang sukli sa inaalayan nito… sa kanya ang kulay man ng puso ay dugo, pula pa rin ito, matapang… mapagyambot…. Sa kanya ang lahat ng bagay ay dapat na naaayon… sa kanya, ang pag-iyak ay isang pagsuko… ang pag-iyak ay di nagngangalan ng pagtalikod”

di ko sya maintindihan… ngunit nararamdaman ko ang hirap sa kanyang loob… ang sakit kasama ng pagdaramdam… ang pagmamahal kasama ng paggunaw… di ko maintindihan kung bakit, sa kanyang pagtangis, may parte sa aking puso ang nagigising… ang umaayon at nakikiramay sa kanyang pighati… nagpatuloy ako… “bakit sa iyong pagtangis halo-halo ang emosyon na dinadala mo sa aking pandinig… halo-halo ang damdamin na nakararating sa aking pintig…?”

hinawi niya ang kaunting lupa na tumakip sa pangalan ng puntod… saka nagpatuloy… “ gusto kong ipakilala sa iyo ang taong pinakaimportante sa buhay ko bukod sa nagluwal sa akin… gusto kong makilala mo siya bilang taong mahal na mahal ko…” at tumayo sya… pinagpag ang ilang dumi sa kanyang pang-upo… marahil ay tapos na ang kanyang panalangin… ngunit nagpatuloy sya sa harap ng puntod na iyon… nagsalita… at sa pagkakataong iyon… mas malalim na ang pinaghuhugutan ng kanyang kalungkutan…

‘siya ang taong minahal ko… inilaban ng puso ko… sa lahat ng pagkakataon, siya rin ang pinili ko… ngunit bagama’t nakikita ko ang espesyal na pakikitungo niya… nagging maramot siya upang ibigay ang pagmamahal na akala ko ay laan na para sa akin… pinilit ko siyang ilaban… pinilit ko siyang ipakipagsapalaran kahit na alam kong wala na ang dating pagtitinginan…” at pabilis na ng pabilis ang pagdaloy ng luha sa kanyang mga mata… “at alam mo ba ang pinakamasakit sa lahat? Iyon ay ang kahit na sa huling sandali, ipinagkait niya nag pagmamahal na kailangan ko para mabuhay ng kuntento habang iwan niya ang mundong ito….”

“masakit na kahit anong gawin kong paglapit, hindi ko pa rin maangkin ang puso niya… na sa huling sandali, hindi pangalan ko ang tinatawag niya… hindi ako ang humawak sa mga kamay niya para sabihing… ‘hintayin mo ako…’, hindi ako ang nagbigay ng huling paalam at haplos sa mukha niya…”

“tama siya, kaya ako tumatangis ngayon dahil isinusuko ko na ang aking pagmamahal sa kanya… ngunit hindi iyon karuwagan hindi ba? Dahil mas naging matapang naman ako para palayain na siya ng puso ko…”

ikinagulat ko na ang sumunod na mga pangyayari… sa gitna ng pagluha at rumaragasang hinagpis, ang babaeng walang mukha ay pinilit kong aninagin… pamilyar… ngunit mas pamilyar ang sakit… dali-dali ang ginawa iyang pagtakas… sa kahabaan ng tinatanaw kong kalye, nawala na lamang siya na parang isang bula…

nagising akong hapo at pagod sa aking nilakbay… isa nanaman sa mga pangyayaring di ko alam kung may katotohanan….

there are some sort we cannot understand in loving…bakit sabi ng iba, ‘if you really love him…then hold on….magtyaga ka lang’…. yung ilan naman…sabi, ‘ if you really love him…set him free…let go of him’

ang gulo di ba? ano nga ba ang tunay na pagmamahal? was it holding on? or was it letting go?

most of the time, maririnig mo na kung talagang mahal mo ang isang tao, you need to hold on…hawakan mo lang daw sya, wag ka bibitiw, wag ka susuko…let him know how strong your feelings towards him, let him realize how lucky can he get by letting you get inside his heart…by accepting your love…kahit anong sakit ibigay nya…kahit anong pahirap…hawak ka lang…walang sukuan…

sabi naman ng ilan…lalo na yung mga madrama…let go of him…that’s the noble thing to do…kung san sya masaya, dun ka…mahalin mo na lang sya as he goes through where he wants to?suportahan mo na lang yung pagmamahal nya para sa iba…bantayan mo nalang sya habang nagmamahal sya ng iba…ngumiti ka na lang kapag nakatawa sya dahil sa love na kayang ibigay ng isang girl na hinding-hindi mo kayang ibigay sa kanya…

ano nga ba talaga ang tunay na love? was it letting go? o holding on?

either way naman diba? it’s a choice…if you choose to hold on and prove him na kaya mo syang mahalin at hindi sya magsisi..why not? kung kaya mong yakapin lahat ng hirap na mararanasan mo through loving him okay lang yan…just let it be…malay mo…you can win his heart along the process….

if you choose to let go…pwede rin…bakit naman hinde? kung mas masaya ka bang nakikita syang nakangiti kasama ang iba okay lang yun…atleast alam mong di sya nahihirapan habang kasama ka nya pero iba naman yung nasa heart and mind nya…atleast hindi ka na masasaktan kung ibang pangalan ang masasabi nya when in fact ikaw ang kausap nya di ba? atleast alam mo na kahit iba yung mahal nya, may nagawa ka pa rin para sa happiness nya…

wala naman sa holding on yun o sa letting go… basta nagmahal ka at ano yung hinihingi ng pagkakataon yun na lang yung gawin mo…

The life and love we create is the life and love we live. So…san mo ba gustong pumunta? bahala ka na… basta kung san ka magiging komportable…san sya magiging masaya…san hanggng kaya mong gawin para sa pagmamahal….

August three, two thousand and five… habang daan pauwi, at sa gitna ng pag-iisip ay di ko namalayan na may katabi nanaman pala ako sa bus na sinasakyan ko. Kakatwa ang itsura nya dahil sa ilang pagkakataon na sinisilip ko at inaaninag ang kanyang muka, kahit sa liwanag ng ilaw sa bus ay di ko sya mamukhaan… hinayaan ko na lang dahil di rin naman ganon ka-importante para sa akin ang itsura nya… mataman akong nag-iisip nang mga oras na’yon…

Hanggang, sa mga sumunod na oras ay nagulat ako ng makilala ko kung sino na ang nasa tabi ko… pamilyar na pamilyar dahil araw-araw ko naman syang kasama pwera sabado’t linggo… napangiti ako, sabay tanong… “anong ginagawa mo dito ms. Leng?” natawa rin sya, “hindi ako si leng, pero pwedeng kunin ko sya sa ala-ala mo!!!!” nagulat ako sa sinabi nya… praning na ata si ms. Leng… “baliw ka ba?” Gusto kong itanong!!!! “Nakainom ka nanaman no?” sagot ko sa sinabi nya… hanggang magbago nanaman ang mukha niya… katulad kanina, hindi ko nanaman maaninag… natakot ako… putek!!! Ako yata yung naprapraning eh… muli bumalik nanaman yung mukha ni ms leng… nakakainis!!!! Tinanong ko sya kung anong kailangan nya saken… natawa siya sabay sabing…” ikinatutuwa ko na sa tuwing magkikita tayo, yan ang itinatanong mo!!!! “ nagtaka nanaman ako… ni hindi ko nga sya kilala, paano niyang sasabihin saken na sa tuwing magkikita kame ay yun ang itinatanong ko sa kanya… “uulitin ko ulit… para sa’yo, ang pangalan ko ay LIMOT sa tuwing darating ang isang yugto sa buhay mo na kailangan mong umalis, dumarating ako para hingin ang ala-ala mo… nang sa gyon ay makalimutan mo lahat at makapag-umpisa ka ulit ng panibago… ikinalulungkot ko nga lang na sa maraming pagkakataon ay tinatanggihan mo ako… ni mga pangit na pangyayari ay ayaw mong pakawalan… tsk!tsk!tsk!!! masyado kang sentimental!!!” napakunot nanaman ang nuo ko, hindi ko maintindihan kung paano at kailan nangyayari ang lahat ng sinasabi nya… “bweno, gusto ko lang ulit subukan kung ibibigay mo na sa’ken si Leng ngayon… akin na ang ilang parte ng ala-ala mo sa kanya… kapalit non, mawawala na rin yung mga hinanakit na yun sa puso mo, okay lang yan… di naman lahat ibibigay mo eh, yung konti lang!!! Ano?” napakunot nanaman ang nuo ko… sa isip ko? Ano bang pwede kong ibigay na panget na alaala sa kanya na dulot ni Ms. Leng sa’ken… ah oo nga, yung ilang mga panahon na di’ko sya magets at naiirita ako dahil kapag tinatanong ko sya kung ano nga ulit yun ay di nya mapigilang sumimangot!!! E sya naman me kasalanan, di nga kasi ako pamilyar sa mga technical terms!!! Ang kulit!!!… pero bakit ko naman bibitiwan sa alaala yun? Kung hindi dahil sa mga yun, malamang hindi ako lalong mapapalapit sa kanya!!! Di ko sya tatanungin at di sya matatawa sa katangahan ko sa mga simpleng logic reasoning na sagot sa tanong nya… Ah!!! Naalala ko na!!! Oo nga pala, kilala ko na sya… ilang beses nya na rin akong kinulit tungkol kay Ms. Leng… eh ayoko nga eh!!! Ayoko!!! “Ayoko!!!” napalakas na pala!!! Nakita ko ang reaksyon sa muka nya… naiirita, gayunman, wala naman syang magagawa… “noon ko pa sinabi sau diba? Wag si Ms Leng… ayoko!!! Kahit anong ala-ala mula sa kanya… panget o hindi.. ayokong ipamigay!!! Ang kulit mo!!!!” at pagharap ko nanaman, ibang mukha nanaman ang nakita kong taglay nya… “O… bakit pati si Lolo!!!” sira ulo talaga tong kausap ko!!! O nasisiraan na’ko? “madalas ka nyang asarin di ba? Bakit hindi na lang yung mga alaala na yun ang ibalato mo saken?” aba’t, napaisip nanaman ako…oo nga, madalas nila akong asarin nila paul, jeff at tatang… pero, kahit naman ganon, wala naman akong nararamdaman na dapat ikagalit… minsan nga, yun na ang pinakabonding moment namen sa Kaiser… eh bakit ko yun ipamimigay? “Hinde!!! Ano ka ba engot? At wag mo nang subukang hilingin si Paul dahil kahit lagi akong nilalait non okay lang… nagiging challenge naman yun para saken para magtrabaho ng mabuti… wala naman dapat itapon dun!!! O kung si tatang naman, wag na rin, yun lang pang-aasar nya ang mas marami sa isip ko… wag mo na kunin, sayang yun!!! Bonding na namen yun nung luko-luko na yun… wag mo na pag-interesan… kahit ganon yun, mahal ko yun as a team mate… nirerespeto ko yung kakayahan non!!! At please… wag na wag sa lolo ko, kasi… ayokong kunin mo kahit anong memory from him… baby nya daw ako!!! Kahit ano mangyari!!! Hindi pwede!!!” sinubukan nya ding hingin si mommy cel, aba’t kakatayin ko na talaga tong gunggung na to eh!!! galit na’ko!!! Kumukulo na din ang dugo ko!!! Ang kulit kasi, inisa-isa nya yung mga ka team ko… mula kay Cathy at Rem, kay Joy, kay Yush, sa mga tao sa interface, kay ate Nica, ate Anj… kay Jobu, kay Mr. Pat, kay Chucky!!! at kahit maging sa apprentice namen na si Ronald!!! Putek!!! Eh ano naman kung me mga time na me pagkataklesa si kuya Yush? O may nasabi akong secret kay Joy, O nainis ako minsan sa ilang mga tao sa interface? Para saken., memory pa rin nila yun sa utak ko na gusto kong itago… kahit anong pangungumbinsi ang gawin nya hindi ko yun ibibigay!!! Kahit yung mga times na suplado pa si kuya james, o may hindi magandang comment si kuya marce saken… so what… dun naman nagsisimula ang lahat ng idea sa isip ko kung paano maging malapit sa kanila… okay!!! Aminado naman ako, kung maraming magandang memories ang mga tao sa Kaiser sa utak ko, may ilang dad memories din naman, pero hahayaan ko bang pakawalan yun? Okay lang no!!! dahil don naman, naging mas lalo akong agresibo para mapatunayan na “ako ay ako at sila ay sila…” at dahil rin don kaya mas mahal ko na sila ngayon… maaaring nagsasabi lang naman talaga sila ng totoo nung mga panahon na yun… o gusto lang nila akong mag-masimprove… kung tutuusin, siguro nga, nagiging bad lang ang memories nila dahil nung mga oras na’yon mali lang ang interpretasyon ko sa sinabi nila… marahil din naman ganon din ako sa kanila… may mga nabibitiwan din akong ilang mga salita na hindi ko alam nakakasakit na pala… Oo nga… baka nakakasakit na’ko… sana makahingi ako ng sorry sa ilang mga tao na nasaktan ko dahil sa pagiging taklesa ko… o nabitin yung trabaho nila dahil sa pagkatamad at lakwatsera ko na kahit na oras na ng trabaho ay nasa Glorietta pa rin ako!!! Sana makapag-sori ako kay tatang kapag kinukulit ko sya at na-ooffend ko sya… di ko naman mean yon!!! O sa iba na natatarayan ko ng di ko sinasadya tulad ni dereck… o kay ms. Leng na madalas kong nadidisappoint… lagi na lang kasing thank you ang nasasabi ko… nakakapanghinayang din kasi, yung iilang ngitian lang ang nagawa ko para sa iba kong ka-team tulad ni Ms. Cookie!!!… ang ikli naman kasi ng oras…sayang… “masyado nang malalim ang iniisip mo… tingin ko, hindi mo nga sila ibibigay saken… pero sa susunod na may magsasara uling yugto sa buhay mo, darating pa rin ako…magbabakasakali… baka magkaron na’ko ng permanenteng mukha!!!” napatigil ako sa pag-iisip… tiningnan ko sya uli, wala nanaman syang mukha… siguro nga kaya nya hinhingi ang mga ala-ala na yon… para sa kanya na rin… pababa na sya ng bus… sabi ko sa sarili ko, dapat sabihin kong wag na lang syang bumalik… pero ayoko namang magsalita ng tapos… baka lang naman… baka lang naman sa ibang pagkakataon may gusto akong itapong memories…

Lumingon ako sa kawalan ulit… sa bintana ng bus… sinisikap kong aliwin ang aking mga mata… hanggang maramdaman kong may katabi ako ulit… paglingon ko, pamilyar nanaman sa akin ang mukha nya… nakakatawa kasi alam kong lagi ko syang katabi sa mga oras na nag-iisa ako…. Inaaliw nya ako para di ako mainip sa byahe ko… “ hi lhen!!! Handa ka na bang alalahanin ulit ang kwento ng mga tao sa Kaiser base sa mga memories na ibinigay mo sa akin?” si ALAALA ang tumabi sa’ken… napangiti nanaman ako… “sige ba!!! Umpisahan mo sa announcement ni Mr. Chucky na babalik ako sa KAISER para maging official rolled in sa team na’yon….” At nagpatuloy ang byahe ko sabay ng masasayang memories ko with Kaiser!!!

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tulad siguro ng eksenang ito, nangyari na rin ito noon, siguro mula pa nung nursery days ko… pero nakakaaliw na isiping, marami pa rin akong binabalikang memories hanggang ngayon sa isip ko…